Project: Tomato in Progress

My mind, body and emotions all feel like a very sad song (but the chorus sounds hopeful)

I don’t want to go down the path of a serious depression again. I’m kicking and shouting and doing what I can.

But right now it’s hard to breathe.

Username: lehottomato

I know how many times I’ve made this post. I’m at the gym right now. Writing this post from a recumbent bike.

I started slow, I thought, why not Day 1 of C25k? That should be easy for me! And it was. It was easy for my lungs and my heart, and my head.

It was NOT easy for my legs. I had to quit just over half way in because my right leg and left ankle were screaming. I think my knees may have been crying internally. And yes I know how gross that is.

I don’t know what to do. If ibdont build up a new base then I am not going to be ready to tackle marathon training in May.

I have no insurance. MRI’s and physical therapy are out of the question. It’s been almost 6 months. When does this injury stop plaguing me? Am I scarred for life, literally?

I’m scared and frustrated, and so effing pissed. I had come so far, and now it’s out of my control. Even if I find a new spark of motivation, what if my knees don’t cooperate? I’m at a loss.

Bizarre.

I’ve been so discouraged because of the weight that I’ve gained back since my injury and starting my relationship with Nathan.

I work in a theatre and most often have to dress up for work, especially when there are performances since I am the house manager. Just yesterday I accepted a part time position at another company so that I can supplement my income, and for this position I will have to be not only professionally dressed, but fashionable dressed. This isn’t a problem for me as anyone who knows me knows that I love to shop, and have quite the shoe addiction.

I will be a “brand ambassador” and “tour coordinator” for a company that rents furnished luxury apartments to corporate clients, and vacationers who want a hotel alternative. I’m very excited, but I will be representing the brand. So if the apartments are high quality and the furnishings lux, I have to match the surroundings.

The problem, is that after having lost 35 lbs, I got rid of all of my larger clothes. I’ve gained back 20 lbs. Ergo, I don’t have much that fits right now. Tres frustrating.

So, I was getting dressed for work tonight, and just couldn’t find a dress that fit right that I hadn’t already worn this week. Then I remembered my alterations pile. I had to LET OUT a dress so I could wear it. A dress I had previously TAKEN IN so that I wouldn’t have to get rid of it as it is one of my favorites.

It’s never a good feeling when you have to make clothing bigger instead of smaller to fit yourself.

That said, in an effort to cheer myself (though one that could have failed dramatically), I decided to check the progress bar on my blog, and see where my weight was this week last year. It was at 197, and I am now at 192. So I am still 5 lbs lighter than this time last year, and that makes me happy. At least I still have a tiny bit of progress to show for my efforts.

I haven’t said this in a long time, but I’m starting to feel it again…

Onwards and downwards!

So I bit the bullet and bought the Paleo Comfort Foods cookbook.

I don’t think I’ve ever owned a cookbook I will use this much. And I own a LOT of cookbooks.

So happy right now, and looking forward to homemade pecash butter.